Two Words

Diaper rash.

Mission Accomplished!

I don't mind admitting that when I woke up today I was filled with dread. I was prepared to find Him a Segway. That seemed easy. But getting the NASA diaper took some engineering on my part. Mostly Joe had to pull some strings, but we got not only one, but two. Joe wanted to try one out today.

I learned a lot though and I understand why Joe wanted one so badly. Here's a photo and a little information about Joe's trial run today. Joe always says a progressive leader is a prepared leader. I don't really know what He means, but it sounds good.

Joe drove the 2 sq miles miles from Howard to Devon and out to Western from Sheridan wearing a diaper, to avoid time-wasting rest stops, according to the election officials. The diaper caught the eye of many curious Rogers Parkers, but in the aerospace community, it’s not a new concept. Originally, during the Mercury, Gemini and Apollo missions in the 1960s and 1970s, astronauts wore urine and fecal containment bags. When astronauts walked on the moon there was a kind of spandex trunk but the fecal and urine collection devices fitted into the trunk … the spandex tights just held them into place. The Diaper is a comfortable undergarment that looked like a biker short, with a zipper on one side, and a softly padded rump and centerline with a leakproof outer layer.

This might also explain the shape of Joe's bottom.

However, the reason is eminently practical: “You can’t just drop your political pants and go any where in the Ward,” says Alex, a high ranking manager in the alderman's department at the Rogers Park Cosmosphere and Diaper Center. "Early on, when it was only men, they would have bags that they would keep inside their political pants." Then came the diapers.

I didn't realize that NASA had invaded the political sphere on such a local level. I have to confess that Joe did look smashing on his Segway and the confidence just oozed from Him. Of course, I didn't look at the Diaper when He was done. I did have time to make Him a sandwich board to wear tomorrow. I think it will be helplful. It says "Vote for Me!"

I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow!

Mission Impossible

Oh God, Joe just called. I'm trying to watch the Academy Awards tonight! I don't want to think about politics, but He's just given me Mission Impossible.

He's very worried about Tuesday and having to be out and about the whole day. He wants to be able to be every where at once without having to stop for anything. So get this - He wants me to find a Segway and one of those NASA diapers that lady used to drive cross country. I mean, who does He think I am?

This is going to cost about $70,000 but Joe says it's worth it. He can stay on the Segway all day without having to stop and use the bathroom. If He can get to all of the polling precincts, He may just about have a chance. His idea is brilliant but a little short-sighted. Where are you supposed to buy a NASA diaper? Dominicks? I don't think so.

Well, I guess I know what I'm doing tomorrow. No school, just this crazy scheme of Joes to cater to. And I am not going to be the one at the end the day who removes the diaper from Him. Gross!

Joejongilia: The Real Flower of the People

I have erred. The flowers used in Joe's mailer was actually the flower developed for Him by the infamous horticulturist and is named the Joejongilia. As reported by me, earlier this month Rogers Park central news agency carpet-bombed the neighborhood with declarations of Joejongilia's intergalactic dominion through His birthday celebrations.

In years past, Joe’s birthday has featured displays and design competitions of the red tulip, even synchronized swimming events with plastic Joejongilia props. This year, 30,000 Joejongilia flowers were massed in Rogers Park for a photo shoot. One occupational hazard of a tyrant’s job: it’s so hard to know where to draw the line.

30,000 flowers for one photo shoot is extreme. And I understand it can be hard for Joe to know where to draw the line because He can't see very well. And after listening to Him this morning, it's apparent to me that Joe is losing His marbles. Joe said in the same sentence that "development in the neighborhood is being driven market forces and we must be mindful of private property", while at the same time stating that He was waiting for a revolution. I can't decide if He's supporting Ginderske or those other guys. I'll need to have a conversation about the flowers and this kind of talk with Him later today.

And where did those flowers come from? Where did they go? I didn't even get one in the office. Rodney brought me a yellow rose last night for our date. We went to the Side Project Theater and had a very good time. He kissed me again! This time I felt his tongue. Oh my God. I can't tell Mom.

Despairity in the Neighorhood

We're down to the last few days before the election and things are heating up. I think the debates and the Chicago Tonight show were very telling about the candidates. And of course, I can't help but to notice the flood of mailers that Joe has been sending out. It seems that everyone else is jumping on His tree killing platform. For the record, I am an environmentalist.

Aside from the fact that Joe kills 1 tree per mailing, His content has gone dramatically downhill. Today I am going to evaluate the mailers we've been receiving. (http://www.spiritone.com/~brucem/savetree.htm - you do the math)


1. Joe More leads the fight against saving trees. His invasive and voluminous mailers are making my life hell. See! Just being around Joe is making me swear. Not only does He kill trees, His content sucks. The mailer from yesterday features an icy lake androses. How do roses grow in an icy lake? In fact, I don't think Rogers Park has a rose garden at all. It does seem like Joe is saying that He's responsible for Spring, but only God is repsonsible for the weather. So where does Joe come off pretending He's God?

And the trite dribble that comes off the page in a saccharin-acid blood spatter that would make CSI proud, Joe goes on to exploit 7 new businesses that have cropped up in Rogers Park the last couple of years. 7 new businesses is not a revitalization. And despite the mailer, we do not live in Paris where one might find a "renaissance" or "blossoming" economic community.

Shame on you Joe for killing trees to produce such crap.

2. Skeletor's mailer from yesterday. Oh God, where do I start? First, it fell apart as my Mom tried to open it. After she glanced at it and threw it in the garbage, I took it for my evaluation. In his stupid introduction letter he jumps on the Ginderske band wagon and tries to lie about taking developers money. You see he's figured out that Ginderske is coming out ahead a little with remaining free from developer money, so he's pleding to not do it in the future. A place that doesn't even exist yet. However if you look at his D2 statements it's apparent that he's being bought by developers now, today, already. A lesson he stole from Joe. He just ends up coming across as a thief who doesn't have an original idea of his own.

He must pay a lot of money for all of that color yet his designers produce a rotten piece of rubbish that voters like my mom can't wait to throw out. Thanks Skeletor for making the lives of trees disposable. You come in second for WORST approach to saving trees.

3. We've only gotten a couple of spiritless mailers from Tepid Adams. However, my Mom and Dad have been complaining all week about the spam phone calls they got from this campaign. That whiney gnat voice droning on endlessly about something. I can't even remember what they told me he said. He ranks third in killing trees.

4. My parents got one small postcard from the Ginderske campaign. It's a typical postcard size mailer that appeared to economical in the use of killing trees yet gave three really good points about what he would do. My Mom said that she's going to vote for Ginderske. Since I can't vote it caused some problems between me and Mom. However, considering Joe has been killing 20 trees per day, I'm starting to see her reasons for a man like Ginderske.

Hey, I'm only 16 so I can't vote anyways, and this helps me and Mom to not fight. In two years I can vote but there won't be an aldermanic election that year. I should be able to vote for the next president. Rodney and I were talking about Barack Obama and whether he might get elected or not. I think Rodney looks a little Mr. Obama.

Tonight Rodney is taking me out for a little live theater. I'm not sure where we're going but I will let you know if we kiss again.

Hellhole = Don Gordon

Watching Joe last night on WTTW was very exciting. My parents and I had chips and salsa and Rodney came over. It was nice double date at home. I was a little disappointed that Joe came across flustered. It doesn't help His image when He stutters and stumbles over His own words. But as I sat watching, I had the realization why Mr. BH of the Hellhole fame supports Skeletor Gordon.

Mr. BH needs a nemesis or he cannot exist. He lives through his Hellhole with his whole life is dedicated to amplifying the negative aspects of Rogers Park. I understand that Joe has made some serious mistakes in the past and that Mr. BH has been able to exploit them through his yellow journalism.

However, if Joe somehow is not elected this year, then who would make the best candidate to perpetuate the negative, absent, adverse, antagonistic, colorless, counteractive, cynical, denying, detrimental, disallowing, dissentient, gloomy, jaundiced, naysaying, neutralizing, nullifying, opposing, pessimistic, privative, removed, repugnant, unaffirmative, unenthusiastic, unfavorable, uninterested, unwilling, weak governing that we've become used to?

Skeletor Gordon is the obvious answer.

As our champion beat alderman Gordon is going to exploit our bordering neighborhoods - like Andersonville. His Republican Agenda will make the color and diversity of our neighborhood disappear. At least Joe understands that you can't kick out ALL of the black and latino people at once. Joe has taken a long time to slowly build up to where He can have mostly white people in Rogers Park through the condo conversions.

Skeletor will not be so nice. Somehow Skeletor believes that it's the color of our neighborhood that creates our problems. Creep! He'll work long and hard to remove these elements, I'm sure. And Mr. BH will continue to have an alderman that he can heckle and boo because "we've lost our diversity" and Rogers Park has been white-washed. And I'm afraid that Rodney will have to move since his mom cannot afford to live any where else in the city. They'll have to find a cheap suburb to move to. This means that I won't be able to see Rodney every night because neither of us a license or a car.

Let's take a look at what Skeletor has to say about Housing:

I will lead “balanced” housing development and…

* Create affordable housing for the Final solution
* Demand conscientious rental management
* Preserve homes and community character, insist on quality condo development for white people

First of all, why is the word balanced in quotation marks? Don't you usually do that when you are altering the meaning of the word? So I don't know what he really means. I'm so confused by Skeletor. If you have an ounce of intelligence, why would you vote for him?

You can most clearly see his Republican Agenda as you delve further into what he wants to do with management companies. George W. Bush has shown me that Big Government is not about laissez-faire - it's about controlling and limiting the choices we have as Americans. Skeletor will do the same thing for Rogers Parkers. Demanding that private citizens let him control whatever he wants. Even Joe understands that you can't control everyone - only people with money.

However, this is exactly what Mr. BH needs for his Hellhole. He understands that he needs either Joe or Skeletor or his miserable little existence as a blogger will end. He needs another alderman that will preserve all that is wrong for the people of Rogers Park and allow the Hellhole to live on indefinitely.

Morsehellhole: A Lesson In Yellow Journalism

After reading the Hellhole blog for the last month or so, I'm very disappointed. I thought when Joe had me reading the blogs it was because the blogs were important and a great source for local news. I thought I was important because He had me read them. However, I continue to find that this is not the case. I did a little research and here is what I believe is going on with Mr. Broken Heart.

He's a yellow journalist.

Here is the definition from Wikipedia:

"Yellow journalism is a pejorative reference to journalism that features scandal-mongering, sensationalism, jingoism or other unethical or unprofessional practices by news media organizations or individual journalists."

Or from http://library.thinkquest.org:

"Yellow journalism, in short, is biased opinion masquerading as objective fact. Moreover, the practice of yellow journalism involved sensationalism, distorted stories, and misleading images for the sole purpose of boosting newspaper sales and exciting public opinion.
What is the remedy to yellow journalism? Simply double- and triple-checking one's sources and reading between the lines. If one disregards the obvious marketing that is used to hook readers, newspapers may actually prove to be reliable sources of information."

I know that I am young but I think that it's imperative that we question the source of our news information. Aside from the fact that Mr. BH has a personality disorder, which is evident when one day he calls Joe a republican and then the next day calls him left-wing, it's clear to me that he should win a Pulitzer for Yellow Journalism. By the way, I've never heard of a left-wing republican.

I think Mr. BH most closely resembles William Randolph Hearst. Let's take this paragraph from www.pbs.org and do a little substitution:

Yellow journals like the Morsehellhole rely on sensationalist headlines to sell blog space. Mr. BH understands that a war with Joe More will not only sell his blog, but also move him into a position of neighborhood prominence. Mr. BH writes stories designed to tug at the heartstrings of Rogers Parkers. Horrific tales describing the situation in RP--female prisoners, executions, valiant rebels fighting, and starving women and children figure in many of the stories that fill the blog.

See how easy it is? I could easily become a yellow journalist myself since it's the easiest form of jounalism. Make up something sensational and it will sell itself. All Mr. BH has had to do is inherit a magazine and do nothing but sit at his computer, get drunk and make stuff up. Jeesh.

I understand that his father was a good man and fair journalist. In fact, his father fought long and hard for gay rights back in the 70s, which took courage. I wonder what his father would think of Mr. BH's yellow journalism. Yellow journalism certainly does not involve courage.

Mr. BH, I challenge you to stop embarrassing your family and to become an ethical (or is that ehthical) journalist and conclude this saga of yellow journalism that you have begun.

Joe is 49!!

Wow. I just realized that Joe is 49. That's our ward number!!! He should win just for being 49. However, I hear of some birthday celebrations that are coming our way. Just in time after the onslaught of mailers from Him that are upsetting everyone.

"In particular, this year Rogers Park celebrates not only Joe More's 50th birthday but the 16th anniversary of establishing the Army, as well as Joe More's 50th birthday. Placing great emphasis on the fact that each of the celebrations ended on a 5 unit denomination, songs and high respects are being organized in honor of these days.

Around the city, high ranking officers from the City Council of Chicago's Armed Forces will participate in various competitions such as ‘The Presentation of Honorable Joe More’ (Feb 23th), youths throughout the city will compete in contests such as “The loyalty vow” (Feb 19th-22nd), “The 11th Joe More Flower Exhibition” (Feb 26th) whereas the ministerial elite will participate in “The Combined Joe More Conference” (Feb 27th).

The Joe More flower, a perennation was presented by a Japanese horticulturalist Gamo Mododeru in 1996. It was named as “the immortal flower.”

On Jan 26th the Chicago Tribune reported that “The 11th Anniversary of Joe More flower will be ‘greater than the past with a combination of ideologies and arts presented in an interesting style.’” The topic of these celebrations is ‘Shining Joe More flowers against the brilliant twilight of a developed neighborhood.'

Since the beginning of Jan 15th, an extra-large sized mosaic fresco (AND we do mean EXTRA LARGE) has been constructed from Morse Avenue and Howard Street in Rogers Park city. This fresco portrays propaganda with the phrases “Our comrade Joe More will be with us forever” and “May there be eternal prosperity for Joe's developers” written across the walls.

This year, it seems that the celebrations will revolve around inciting greater respect for Joe More, using the opportunity to strengthen solidarity of the regime.”

Isn't it all so beautiful? Just like Joe was a little ruler of a kingdom or a small east asian country situated on a peninsula. It reminds me of the fun other cultures have when they live under fear and repression from their leaders. Joe tells me that intimidation is His favorite pastime. He just loves to put pressure on the little businesses and organizations that depend on his feudal sponsorship. Intimidation is a big word and it holds a lot of meaning. It implies reduction to a state where the spirit is broken or all courage is lost. I think the only candidate who isn't using this platform is Ginderske. What an idiot!

For Joe, intimidation means that we get to continue on with the way things are. However, I've heard rumors that Skeletor is already using intimidation and fear to coherce people into voting for him. Joe and Skeletor are indistinguishable when it comes to neighborhood rule.

I really like Joe's latest fear flyer. The man on front looks like Richard Nixon. Last night I laid the poster on my bed (the format was so large!) and I pretended to make out with the photo of Joe. Rodney knows that I have a crush on Joe but he's okay with it because he knows that I'm saving my virginity for someone deserving. And until this election is over, I'm not sure Joe's the man. Or Rodney either. I just have to wait and see. I mean, really, I've only just now had my first kiss. Why does Everyone want me to "give it up"?

Why Is Anyone Talking About Skeletor?

There is a lot of flap going on about Skeletor Gordon and I just don't get it. The man really does not have a leg to stand on. I don't care how fit he thinks he is; he's still a cadaver to me. You can't vote for a dead person.

I think the one thing people should be concerned with is his attitude towards young children. He sincerely believes that you need to be taught to be creative. He doesn't think that we have imaginations. Can you believe him? Joe and I discussed this yesterday and Joe told me that Skeletor is making some very big mistakes.

Having the alcoholic community endorse him is his second biggest mistake next to insulting everyone by telling us we don't know how to imagine. I've been reading the Hellblog and I wondered when Mr. BH's feminine voice would finally come out. In today's issue Margot, dog walker and alcoholic extradonaire, endorses Skeletor??!?? This is good? But finally Mr. BH has a woman to fill those high-heeled pumps on his broken heart.

I don't drink. But I imagine all the time! Mostly it's about Rodney and how we might kiss again this weekend.

I also realized today that Joe was first elected the year I was born. My whole life in Rogers Park has been under Joe. It's a little scary to think what the ward will be like without Him. If I were to imagine being under anyone else but Joe...who would it be?

Joe's going to fill me in later today about the horrible slacker aspect of Skeletor. I'll let you know what I find out.

My Last Debate Evaluation

I must say that I am glad that the debate season is over. Yesterday's forums were similar to what we have been experiencing. I did like the intimacy of the first debate. I liked the breakfast food and enjoyed watching Joe eat. It's important to feel nourished when you have to speak in public.

I didn't like being up that early and I may have napped off while everyone was speaking. Here are a few things from my notes:

1. Joe says that Loyola is a 600 pound canary in our neighborhood. I do not understand this at all. I don't think a canary can grow to 600 pounds! Then there's something here that He says Loyola should be more inclusive with the community. I thought He was working on this already!

2. He said David Orr is not a shrinking violet. I think Joe should have had more coffee. Orr has to oversee elections, real estate and tax services. So Joe should not be calling him names. He should be his friend.

3. He swore. He said "Holy H E L L " about 3 times. He was very passionate at this point and I just loved to watch his jowels jiggle. It makes Him a man in my eyes.

4. He also wants to challenge the nation to embrace fear and to work together to have an enclave nation.

5. He needs a bigger chair in His position. (I think this may have to do with weight gain)

6. And He also said we are not an island unto ourselves.


I give Joe a C+ for effort and arriving on time for both debates.

But a C- on his use of allegory, metaphor, and simile.