Monday, July 7, 2008

Oooo, Love Is In The Air

I think love is afoot in the city! I just received my second letter asking for advice. I don't believe it's coincidence that a foreign exchange student has written me. I need to get these lovebirds together.

Dear Mary Jo,

you don't matter if I call you with your first name I hope. I can't say my name, but that's ok, isn't it? I am not from America, I'm only here as an exchange student. I can't tell you where I come from, because I don't want the other kids of my class to know that it's me.
I have a boy in my class who is really cute with very blue eyes and big muscles. He even has hairs on his arms! He's also very clever and knows all the answers in our history class. Many girls of my class like him and want to be his girlfriends, but I don't think he dates any of them. He seems very unapproachable (and I hope that this is a real word!). I'm a little bit shy, so I could never just go and talk to him and ask him if he would like to go to the cinema with me or so. I have to go back to my country again soon. If I don't talk to him before, I'd be very unhappy and mad at me. But what if I do and then I find out he doesn't want to go out with me? What can I do? Thank you for your help and please excuse my bad English.

Your Unhappy in XXX

Dear Unhappy in XXX,
First of all, your English is quite good and you should feel proud of how American you sound. In fact, a lot of Americans are not as good at grammar as you are. So wrap an American flag around you and sing the national anthem - it would be very appropriate right after Independence Day.
You need to overcome your shyness and approach this boy. Blue eyes and muscles? What are you waiting for? He sounds perfectly dreamy and I have it on good authority that he does like you too. (Hint: Read the letter below!)
Besides, you need to practice your English and he could help you. And you could teach him a foreign accent. Aren't foreign accents sexy? Maybe you could introduce me to a boy from your country? Rodney doesn't have an accent and it makes me a little sad.
American boys are a lot like couches. You have to sit on a few to find one that's comfortable but once you do, you will never want to get off. Grab your couch and sit on it!
Mary Jo

Thursday, July 3, 2008

My First Letter!

Here we go ladies and gentlemen - my first advice letter:

Dear Alderman's Intern,

First, let me say I think you're so cool, the way you have all these experiences and are involved in politics and all. I wish I had the time, but between school and hanging out and playing video games, well, you know how it is. I need the advice of a worldly woman like you! I really like this girl, but she's an exchange student, and I know she'll soon be going back to her home country (I don't want to say what it is, because then the other kids might know who I was talking about and that it was me writing and all), and I really want to be her boyfriend, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I think she likes me because one of her friends told one of my friends that she does. I'm really confused. Can you tell me what I should do? I don't want to get all involved and then she just leaves, you know?

Anxious in Evanston

Dear Anxious in Evanston,

Thank you for your compliments. I gave up video games for politics last year and I will be forever grateful for that decision. You might want to think about that.

As for the foreign girl, I think if one of her friends told you she likes you than you can count on that as a solid source. I would take that as a positive that you should move forward and ask her to be your girlfriend. You would really want to do this before she goes back to her other country because there might be boys there that like her too. And you want to be sure that you lock her in a relationship with you before she goes home and gets to listen to all of those sexy accents. I just love a boy with an accent. I wish Rodney had an accent but he really doesn't. Sometimes he tells me he's talking "ghetto" but it really doesn't change the sound of his voice. And Joe has only Chicago accent and I don't really find his voice sexy at all. I mean, I let him kiss me to just shut him up.

But back to you. I can see where you are worried that you might get your heart broken but I think if you make her commit to you before she leaves then everything should be fine. Either you can move there when you are done with high school or she could move her when she is done. Either way I believe true love conquers all. I say go for it!

Mary Jo

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Exciting New Service!

I've been pretty lazy about politics lately. I guess I just got bored after I finally kissed Joe and it was totally gross. I decided recently that since I am now a woman and have wordly experience that I would like to become an advice columnist. You can now write me your questions about life and I will post a response here so that everyone can learn together.

Now write me a question!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Join the FUN This Saturday.

Join the Fun This Saturday!

Dear Neighbor,

NASA predicts a perfect fall day this Saturday--sunny with temperatures in the low 60s and no rockets or satellites will fall from the skies. What a great day to join in for the annual 49th Ward Fall Drug Bust and not get hit with falling metal!

We'll be meeting at my office this Saturday, October th, at :00 m. for coffee, juice and rolls, and then we'll hit the streets and alleys to clean and brighten our neighborhood of crack dealers. I'll provide the fake badges, shoes, brutes and a good laugh.

Come with a group or come alone. Pick your favorite spot to clean or get an assignment. It's a great day for me to "help" my neighbors (These things make Him look good. Ooh, and you get to read His press release and He has a reason to send out an email. And then the orange flyers are hanging everywhere. I even saw one taped to a man sleeping in a the alley.) and plain old-fashioned fun!

Afterwards, join me back at my office for a "Taste of the 49th Ward" lunch, and sample some of the best food our 49th Ward restaurants have to offer!

I hope to see you Saturday!


Joe More

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Please help with the Green Berets

Join the 49th Ward Green Berets

Dear Neighbor,

If you want to make a local impact on global warning, now is your chance. We are forming a 49th Ward Green Berets sqadron of trained volunteers who will work with local experts to improve the quality of life in the 49th Ward through protecting American projects that protect our water, clean our air, restore our land and save energy and fight terrorism in Rogers Park. That's right, we protect the protectors.

Are you ready to make the committment?

Our first training opportunity begins in September. Squadron members will participate in the City of Chicago Green Beret (GB) training and then form locally to put their new skills to work in a menacing way. Intimidation works. Studies prove it.

Orientation is required in order to participate in the full training curriculum which runs for 35 weeks on Saturdays from 9:30am to 10:00pm at the Illinois Institute of Trained Military Fighting. The 35 three-hour courses will cover land, air, energy, water raids, community destruction and covert skill development.

There is a fee of $3.750M for course materials, but full and partial scholarships are readily available from NASA.

Are you ready to learn more?

We know this is a big commitment, but this is also a big crisis and we need lots of local leaders working together if we are to going to make the significant change we want to see.

And I can't personally pay for this program so I have to ask you to pay for yourself. Remember, that's what a real volunteer does.

Joe More

--I think I'm going to volunteer for Joe again. I mean he won and I still need those community service hours to graduate. Thank God and Government that School is teaching me about volunteering. It's quite apparent that most kids would never learn of such things without School. I'm excited about Sex Ed this year. Rodney actually touched my breast. Not under my shirt, but on top. Whew. I finally got that out of the way.

But that's besides the point. I am going to be Joe's intern for the fall. School will credit me. I'm going to repost Joe's community service announcements. I wish he'd let me proof them. He has typos. I tried to correct them all. --

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

And in Conclusion...

Gordon says that some of his advisers recommended that he stop handing out bananas after they heard complaints from residents. "I said, 'I'm not going to let Moore spin this against us,'" says Gordon. "We did this with the best intentions. I love bananas--they're full of potassium. They taste delicious and they're good for you. I've been eating bananas all of my life. Bananas are yellow and that's the color of our campaign. So I'm sticking with this." (clout city blog, april 2)

It's a nice quote, don't you think? He ties it all up with the color of his campaign. Yellow journalism, yellow-belly cowards, yellow jaundice, yellow snow, yellow jackets, yellow brick road, yellow fever, yellow submarine, yellow bile, yellow no. 5 and the all time classic - old yeller.

It's been a long campaign for everyone in Rogers Park. Especially for Joe. He's had to finally get up off His butt and listen to people. The race is close and I can only hope that once the dust settles today that a positive forward motion has been created. It's too bad that all the bloggers will have to find another dead body to create their feeding frenzy. They could focus on Skeletor's cadaver. He's full of potassium!

I started this blog with tongue-in-cheek and the intention that we all needed some laughter. Watching a blogosphere that believes that it is the only place where real social discourse takes place, but that's simply not true. We speak in our livingrooms and the local bars, on the buses and trains, on the street, in hushed voices and sometimes loud and screaming. We live with an outdated system that breeds corruption and rewards the person who can be heard the loudest. This election was not about issues and concerns. It was not about who is best qualified. It was not about a just and fair world. It was about Chicago politics as usual.

For all of those who blogged, claiming fair journalism, honest journalism and an independent voice - shame, shame, shame on you for mixing in the absurd, abusive and vile overtones that almost always accompanied your writings. Entries that could have been insightful and helpful if not so skewed with arbitrary hate. In this blog you know you're getting satire. Straight from the hip satire. No pretense that this is a blog on truth. No pretense that I am a journalist. Simple thoughts from a simple girl.

As of 9am, Wednesday, April 18.

Alderman 49th Ward 41 of 42 precincts counted 97.62%
Joe Moore 3,862 50.91%
Don Gordon 3,724 49.09%
Total 7,586

Monday, April 16, 2007

Difficult Burden of Citizenship

Democracy in Finland: The Intopii computer firm of Helsinki announced in February that it has installed software to assist voters, who, studies suggest, tend to select candidates who look like themselves. When a voter uploads his or her photo, the Web site will use facial-recognition software to find those among the 800 candidates in March parliamentary elections who most resemble that voter, to ease the difficult burden of citizenship in a democracy. [Reuters, 2-27-07]

Plans are already being made to implement the same software for Rogers Park voters who do not have the necessary intelligence to make an informed decision on their own. Even without the software, you can decide who to vote for based on this scientific approach. Do you look like Joe More or Skeletor? Vote!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Beware of Li Po Joe Syndrome

Death by Embracing the Reflection of the Moon

Chicago poet Li Po Joe is regarded as one of the two greatest poets in Rogers Park’s literary history. He was well known for his love of liquor and often spouted his greatest poems while drunk. One night, Li Po Joe fell from his boat and drowned in Michigan Lake while trying to embrace the reflection of the moon in the water.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Transparent Government

Will the REAL Republican please stand?

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Pro-Alcoholism Video Release from Skeletor

Well, I think Skeletor is losing it. He's really just gone over the edge to try and recruit the alcoholic voters in the neighborhood. They just released this pro-drinking video on youtube. Not only that, he's obviously trained his NASA monkey to drink alcohol. He is using him as the main character in this video. It's atrocious. It sends the message that you can drink all you want to because you need only wake up and start all over again.

If you ask me, this video has Mr. BH written all over it. I believe that he may have written the lyrics.